I was 19 years old.

The sun was shining and the wind howling.

I had just eaten an eighth of psychedelic mushrooms.

I did not know what was in store.

The trip came on strong.

I stumbled into a field, nauseous and regretful.

“What have I done? What was I thinking?”

I knelt in the field preparing to vomit.

The wind blew a gust of dirt directly into my eyes and mouth.

I coughed and spit the dirt from my mouth…

Then, slipped into a fit of laughter.

Hilarious.

I thought it was hilarious,

Everything, everything that had happened in my life.

The pain, the sorrow, so horrendous that it became funny.

I suddenly realized I was capable.

I stood and began my adventure.

Skip to the inflection point.

*

I sat in a nook of nature,

leaning against a granite wall,

gazing at the ocean in the distance.

I was consumed with despair as I watched my feet shrink.

I was five years old again, wearing jellies (those clear glittery sandals)…

 I was playing in the dirt.

 The sensation of my youth flooded my being,

I collapsed into a fit of tears.

I felt the loss of innocence.

I felt how far away I was from knowing that girl,

from being that girl.

What had I become? Who had I become?

I abandoned her.

Left her to be used and abused.

Luckily, I have been blessed with quite a brain…

I had just finished reading Herman Hess’s Siddhartha Gautama

and Einstein’s Dreams by Alan Lightman.

Both were about time, relativity, existence and the unknown.

Together, the stories concocted a portal of insight…

I looked up to the sky to proclaim my despair and seek a hopeful glare!

In the midst of acting, I questioned my action.

“Why do we look up when we are most lost?

What guidance do we think exists in the sky?”

Then, it hit me!

Time…

 Time is relative.

Time is a construct.

So that means when I die,

I will be free from the construct.

I will be free.

And that also means,

I have always been free and always will be free.

A part of me exists within the confines of time,

here and now.

Another part of me exists free from time.

My free form.

And so, as I gazed toward the sun, I realized

it may not be an almighty God that I am looking to.

Nor celestial creatures spun of gold.

Perhaps I am looking to myself,

to my free form.

 

Through the opening I heard:

“You are never separate from me and I am never separate from you.

We are one, forever and always…

Far beyond the construct of time, far beyond your perception…

beyond the loss of innocence, you are whole and pure.

Your child forgives you. You are forgiven.

You are love.”

I cried like I have never cried in my life.

This was the beginning of a long healing journey,

that I am still on… but now,

now, I know, that I am always with me.

And no matter how trapped I feel,

There is a part of me,

that is free.